Parts Are Like Puppies
Applying Pet Training Techniques to Parts Work Within Internal Family Systems Therapy
I like to stroll the Chandler Fashion Mall and visit the Arizona Animal Welfare League (you can visit near Chandler Boulevard and the 101 freeway). The puppies and kittens are always super cute, but there is a part of me that feels sad seeing them caged up. In a sense, it reminds me of what it feels like to see someone’s inner child still hidden away, unable to be freed.
You see these puppies? The longing to be noticed, to have some attention? Those wounded inner children are often the same way. In fact, any of our protective parts love it when we give some of our listening ear to them. With a therapist specifically using Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, we heal by connecting with different aspects of ourselves with kindness and compassion.
So perhaps there is a part of us that gets really angry. We observe, notice the angry part, show it some appreciation for how it is protecting us, and spend time getting to know it a bit better. Usually, that angry part is exhausted from having to be angry all of the time, but it is just scared to stop because it doesn’t want you to get hurt. When we show up with a curious mind and a clear heart, that part begins to trust that it doesn’t need to be angry to protect us, because it sees that we are capable and confident of taking on whatever challenges may come. We are the protector instead of that angry part.
Just like the puppies barking and pawing at the windows, those parts sometimes beg for our attention. I find that once we give them plenty of our focus and time in therapy, those parts quiet down. They see that they don’t have to work so hard to be noticed.
Occasionally, like a puppy that has been given a bit of attention after being neglected for a while, those parts will pop up more frequently. That happens as they are building trust, because they don’t yet trust that you will be there to hear them. This may look like once you realize that you’ve been angry in therapy, you start feeling more irritable around your family members, having nightmares, or you start feeling more sad.
Some people are scared of going to therapy for that very reason. They are scared that once they open Pandora’s box, they will never be able to shut it, and that they will feel worse. This emotion-filled phase is part of the process, but it isn’t endless. It is almost like a needy puppy that once you get into a routine, give it plenty of attention, and it sees that you are there consistently, it doesn’t whine all of the time. It gets better, and you feel more confident and capable. You won’t need to worry about the whining puppy escaping the kennel if you take the time to let it out and train it.
In therapy, you also don’t have to go through it alone. The therapist is skilled in teaching you how to train your metaphorical puppy. Sure, Google can give you some tips, but a therapist can help point out what you are doing as it happens, correcting what is going wrong, and giving you a safe space to practice. Plus, you are dealing with an expert trainer, who can handle even the most difficult of cases.
If you are nervous at all about the process, feel free to reach out and ask me! If you already have your own therapist, talk to them about it. If you want to try your hand at “training” those emotions yourself, try picking up a book by Richard Schwartz (the founder of Internal Family Systems Therapy) or completing a workbook. Even if you can’t do it all yourself, doing a workbook or some further reading at least gives you a head start.
