Perfectionism & The Fear of Rejection
Comparing Strategies for Presenting in the World to Cakes on Serving Ware
Something that a lot of perfectionists struggle with is how to present themselves in the world. They don’t want to show any flaws, to the point that they can become afraid of even trying. Yet, they still need to show up. They can’t completely stop themselves from participating in the world (at least not for long). So how can they share themselves with others when they are afraid of being rejected?
Everyone has differing levels of comfort, and even in different situations amongst different crowds, one might choose to present differently. In a somewhat silly comparison to different serving dishware I found at IKEA (yes, the lovely Arizona location in Tempe, off of Warner and the I-10 freeway), people can have different goals when presenting oneself.
Some people might be like a lazy-Susan, wanting to present as open, easily accessible, and allowing everyone to get what they need from them. I might question if there are some people-pleasing tendencies if someone is like this with everyone, but with trusted friends and family members, presenting this way allows for easy connections. You aren’t putting up any walls or barriers, allowing yourself to be fully seen in all of your glory, mistakes and all. Just like you wouldn’t place a delicate cake on a lazy-Susan in front of a bunch of hyper children, you shouldn’t put the most vulnerable aspects of yourself out there in front of unsafe people. A destroyed cake is a disappointment, a destroyed sense of self-esteem equals depression and anxiety issues.
On the opposite side of the spectrum, some people may only put themselves out there like cake in a domed glass cake stand. These people will be seen, but there is a wall up to protect what lies underneath, and while they present their best qualities on a pedestal, they also might hide their imperfections to avoid scrutiny. There is no shame in doing this, like a cake, this is helpful and might be needed in times of transition or when presenting in front of many people, some of whom may not be respectful or safe.
However, a delightful cake cannot be enjoyed if it remains under the dome. People can assume things about the cake based on how it looks, but they can’t actually know if it is a cake that they would like to eat. The same goes for people who always keep their walls up, who just show their best. People can’t get to know you if they only see a curated picture, and they can’t connect with you if they can’t get to know you well enough to form a judgement on you. This can be terrifying, but people need to decide if they like you or not, and if they can’t get a taste of who you actually are, they will just move on, finding someone else they can more easily relish in. A protected life can be a very lonely and isolated one.
Most of the perfectionists I meet have been hurt in the past. Unfortunately, the more people they have been spurned by, the more they believe that all they have to present is a disgusting cake that no one will want. They believe that no one will want them if they actually see them in all of their flaws. They often would rather risk being alone than risk being rejected again.
Yet that only works for so long, because feeling connected to others is a basic human need. Others care for us when we are feeling low, they reflect back to us meaning we take from life, they give us context to shape our own identities. So, while being a lazy-Susan isn’t safe all of the time, neither is being a domed cake platter. After we see that a space or a person is relatively safe, it is important to risk a little bit and allow yourself to be seen. Share yourself. I promise, most people simply like cake, and chances are you are probably more delightful than you think.
