Relapse is a Part of Change
How to Overcome Shame in Order to Keep Growing
I have been inconsistent this week in posting blogs, despite it being a goal of mine to post one every day. It made me feel a bit ashamed, but then I remembered part of the reason why I chose an ammonite to represent my therapy practice: it represents the cycle of change.
Among therapists, the cycle of change is commonly known and referenced, especially when working with addiction, creating new habits, and even reflecting upon the process of therapy itself, which is all about transformation and change. The reason why this concept is often shown as a spiral in shape is that we usually relapse, and then we go through this cycle a few times before breaking out of it.
We will start off making a change, and at some point, most of us fall back into old habits. That is normal. However, each time that cycle starts again, something new is learned, new skills are gained, we become stronger at sustaining the new habit, and it starts feeling easier to put back into place. It all leads to eventually creating lasting change. It is a spiral outward, towards eventual freedom from the cycle.
We start off in pre-contemplation, with no intention to change, and perhaps no awareness that we should change. As we gain some awareness of there being a problem, we move into contemplation, considering making a change. Then we move onto preparation, becoming fully aware of what is needed, and getting ready to actually make the change. Then we do it! We move into taking action to change our behavior. As we spend time making that change, we then practice maintenance, to ensure it stays. Most often, we fall into a stage of relapse, where we go back to our old ways. But the cycle doesn’t have to stop there!
This is where a lot of people give up. They assume that they failed because they weren’t able to sustain their change. Society tells us that with enough willpower we shouldn’t relapse. It makes it feel almost like a moral failure. It isn’t. That relapse stage is a normal part of creating change within yourself.
The key to keep moving up the spiral though is to not stop at relapse. The quicker someone gets back on track, moving through those stages to get back into action again, the quicker change is created. How do you do that though?
Normalize relapse as part of the process. Doing that reduces the power that shame has over you. Remember why you wanted to make the change in the first place. Reflect on what knowledge, resources, or skills that you didn’t have the first time around, notice what you’ve learned, so that way you can better prepare to take action again. Then jump into it and just do it. You get better each time you do it!
So, if you ever visit me at my office on Baseline and Alma School, you’ll see those subtle reminders that therapy is trying to create change, and change is a cycle. Even if you don’t take on my services, perhaps a small ammonite fossil will remind you of that upwards spiral. Perhaps it will help you see that going through life is the same cycle, because growth is change, and change is a spiral.
