Why Can’t I Relax?

Connecting the Dots Between Perfectionism, Over-Achieving, and People-Pleasing

Perfectionists, overachievers, and people-pleasers alike spend a lot of time crafting themselves into the perfect project to present to the world. Self-improvement isn’t necessarily bad, but the stress from trying get an “A+” in life is! This way of living often leads to anxiety, burnout, and generally makes life less enjoyable.

Why do we do it? Well in school, we might work really hard on a project to gain a sense of pride over a job well-done, or maybe to avoid feeling embarrassed in front of our peers. In life, it is natural to want to take pride in something we’ve worked hard on, but it can become this cycle of trying to chase admiration. It is also natural to want to avoid the shame of being seen as incapable, but when we are always motivated to work out of fear of failure, we get stuck in anxiety.

What can lie at the core of these tendencies is the deeper belief that one is worthless. So, we might try to prove our worth by working hard, presenting ourselves with perfection, always helping others, and positioning ourselves to be irreplaceable, but it isn’t sustainable.

What is worse is that even when we are succeeding in being productive and helpful, we feel worried that we aren’t actually as competent as we are. We fear that we are fooling others about our worthiness, leading us to feel like imposters, just putting on an act.

Working with a therapist can help you break out of this pattern by addressing the deeper feelings keeping you stuck. Often we take on these burdensome beliefs like “I’m worthless”, “I am not lovable”, “there is something wrong with me”, or “I am not enough” when we are young, and they are usually solidified with small moments over time. So, this healing process can take you back to feelings and memories from your childhood.

I am a therapist who has been there personally, and as a professional, I specialize in helping others heal from these kinds of wounds. If you are in Arizona, especially near Mesa where the 101 and 60 highways intersect, reach out to me if you are struggling to get out of this cycle on your own (it is pretty hard to do without help!). Together, we can free you from this tiresome routine so that you can actually enjoy the life you have worked so hard to get.