Belonging is a Basic Human Need

A lot of people come into therapy believing that none of their self-esteem should come from others. Even the term “people-pleasing” frames seeking a positive from those around you in a negative light. Consider words from Rumi: "From myself I am copper, through you, friend, I am gold. From myself I’m a stone, but through you, I am a gem!" At its surface, you might just see how he recognizes the pride he takes in being well-regarded by a friend, but there’s more to it. Copper and stone are valuable resources, very useful, yet we see gold and gems as treasures. To be loved by others makes us feel valued. Sure, depending on others for all of your self-worth is unhealthy, and puts you at risk, but it is natural to want to be seen, connected with, and for others to treasure us. When we take on an extreme of wanting no pride to come from how we are perceived, we deny our human need to belong. Denying any need for belonging leads to isolation, and eventual shame. Don’t keep trying to deny a basic human need. Allow yourself to want authentic connections with others, enjoy your own value in their eyes. Just make sure you value yourself too, and that no single source of connection is all that you have, and remember that the world does appreciate your presence when you put yourself out there.

"From myself I am copper, through you, friend, I am gold. From myself I’m a stone, but through you, I am a gem!"

~ Rumi