Resentment in Relationships
Exploring Consent About Unnamed Labor within a Relationship to Reduce Feeling Taken for Granted or Getting Caught Off Guard
Ever feel resentful because you are working too hard and don’t feel appreciated? Most of us have at some point. It can end up feeling like you are putting more into a relationship than you feel like you are getting in return. But then you might realize how transactional that sounds and feel a sense of shame. How do we navigate fairness in a relationship without creating a sense of indebtedness?
Do you feel taken advantage of when you receive a contractor’s invoice? Usually not, because you knew the process ahead of time and agreed to it. When that isn’t the case, you feel misled and trapped into an agreement that you didn’t consent to.
The same thing goes for relationships. When duties and responsibilities are talked about and agreed upon, it feels less unfair. In a home, the biggest source of resentment comes from unsaid tasks that are defaulted to a single person. Chores are an obvious task, but this can also look like whose job it is to plan dates, which friend has to reach out, or being the parent the school calls.
Sometimes we don’t even realize how much we are carrying until we start feeling overwhelmed. Being the one to plan vacations, the one to resolve conflicts, and even being the one to figure out what needs to be done and then delegate those tasks is a massive weight on one’s shoulders! By the time one asks for help, there usually is a feeling of resentment and the relationship has been damaged.
Yet, it isn’t necessarily the fault of the person doing less. How would you feel if a contractor you hired started doing more than you asked for, and then stuck you with a bill afterwards? Most of us would feel caught off guard, used, and might push back saying that we never asked for that work to be done. That would be the case even if the work was impeccable, needed, and appreciated, because there wasn’t explicit consent about the cost.
The same goes for labor within a relationship. Having your partner come up to you angry and resentful, insisting that they aren’t appreciated, and that they do everything, can feel like getting a large bill where you never agreed to the work that’s been done. This is why communicating about the labor being done in a relationship is vital.
So, make a list of everything you do. Truly notice things that you feel resentful about. The work you take on within the relationship. Have your partner do the same. This will help you guys communicate and actively agree on what feels fair to both of you. Plus, the costs change over time. What might be a fair share one month might feel unfair the next, so regularly communicating with each other is key.
As funny as comparing invoice notebooks over at OfficeMax (found at the soon to be shutdown Tempe 85282 location) to relationships is, it makes for a good metaphor. Don’t let your relationship feel like a whole list of unpaid invoices. Actively communicate so you both feel like you are walking away with a good deal!
