The Last Chicken Tender

A Lesson in the Cost of Shame

So I was out to eat with my spouse one evening (Cheddar’s Scratch Kitchen on Chandler Blvd. and the 101, if you were curious), and I faced a dilemma towards the end of the meal.

There was one piece left. I felt bad leaving one chicken tender, but I was too full to actually enjoy eating it, and taking home a single chicken tender felt pointless because it wasn’t going to reheat well. I needed to sort through what my options were:

• If I left the single piece of chicken, it would cost some shame, as I would feel guilty about the waste of resources. 

• If I ate the chicken tender, it was going to cost my physical comfort, perhaps reducing a bit of shame or guilt.

• If I took it home, it’d likely cost some future pleasure in eating something that wasn’t going to taste good when reheated, or it’d cost future guilt as I threw it away after avoiding it for a week.

At first, it looks like there is no good option. However, as a therapist, I know that shame is made up! I am the one deciding what I feel ashamed about. When we take away shame, it becomes clear that leaving the chicken tender is the best choice to make, because the only real cost is shame, a cost that I have the power to wave.

I tell this story, because there are a lot of similar scenarios in life where we are faced with seemingly no good options. However, we have power to reduce shame and guilt within ourselves to make those moments easier. This is clearly an easier moment, but even those harder choices can become easier. If you find it hard, working with a therapist can help you feel more in control of the shame you put on yourself for making those choices.