Therapist Book Review: The Art and Science of Connection by Kasley Killam

The Importance of Social Health and How to Nurture It

I met up with a therapist book club recently and enjoyed some deeper discussions with then (accompanied with some deliciousness over at Postino in Downtown Gilbert). The colleague who chose the book had been trying to get a book club going for a couple years now, and specifically chose this book to help others see why. The book she chose was The Art and Science of Connection by Kasley Killam, and it really drove home the point about how important it is to make the time to build up a community, to take care of one’s social health.

Now, as a therapist, I know that mental health impacts one’s ability to socialize and connect with others, and I also know how getting out, connecting, and socializing with others improves mental health. It is easy to categorize the social aspects of one’s life as a part of mental health, seeing how interconnected they are, but this author makes a strong case for seeing it as a distinct category of health: social health.

In defining social health as a separate need, she emphasizes how important it is by itself and in relation to both physical and mental health. The data she gave was staggering, especially the hard data on how social health impacts physical health. One quote that caught me off guard was where she referenced a study saying that, “… people with only one to three types of social ties were over four times more likely to develop a cold than people with six or more types of social ties.”

That surprised me! Especially following the Covid-19 pandemic, I would have assumed that those people who are always around others would be more likely to get sick.

However, even during the lockdowns, data showed that those in close-knit communities had less cases of Covid-related deaths and validated that those with strong social ties were able to connect easier even while social distancing, and that even distanced connections had a clinically significant impact, demonstrating the bigger idea that good social health supports good physical health.

Most of us know that we should sleep 8 hours a day, exercise 30 minutes a day, and drink about a gallon of water a day, yet we don’t really know guidelines about what we should be doing to support our social health. Killam provided the 5-3-1 Rule: you should connect with 5 different people each week, have 3 close relationships, and spend at least 1 hour each day socializing.

As a therapist, I think I do this decently, but I could see how I could benefit from more connections in my life that are bidirectional. I spend a good portion of my time with others being vulnerable with me, but it generally stays in that pattern. That isn’t bad, but I need to prioritize also having more connections that I can lean on, especially if I were to have a tragedy strike my life. This is true of anyone. Having a variety of connections is safer and healthier, because it protects you when a significant relationship is no longer able to support you. Think of people divorcing: they are losing who might have been one of their closest connections, their children are feeling stressed too, and their in-laws are no longer people they may be able to depend upon. Having many connections would be able support someone going through this, while investing heavily in just a few people could be risky.

I began to think of my clients, especially mine that are people-pleasers. Sometimes, when a person is surrounded by toxic relationships, I find them essentially saying that being mistreated is better than being alone. Instead of focusing so much on getting rid of what is bad, we could spend more time developing other connections, where they feel supported and safe to receive care. This builds up resilience so that even if they can’t get rid of those unhealthy relationships, they aren’t as heavily impacted by them.

In thinking of my own social needs, there is a part of me that cringes at the idea of needing to socialize more. This book outlines 4 different types of socializing styles: The Butterfly, The Wallflower, the Evergreen, and the Firefly. As you see in the photo here, these different categories are based upon liking more frequent interactions vs less frequent interactions, as well as more casual connections vs deeper connections. I am a Firefly, and so the get-to-know-you stage of connecting with others is rough for me.

I appreciated this book normalizing that not everyone has the same social needs, and not everyone benefits from the same type of approaches towards meeting their social health needs. The comparison between social health and physical health was really helpful for me, because it reframed my attitude towards what the purpose of certain interactions are, and when I need to do them.  She provided 4 different strategies for improving one’s social health: Stretch, Rest, Tone, and Flex.

Being in the midst of life transitions or generally not having a lot of connections, indicates a need to Stretch more, which is what the book indicated I needed. Just like exercise, it may not feel great at first when you haven’t exercised those social muscles in a while, but it gets easier. I noticed a few weeks ago, after I had gone to 5 different events within a couple of weeks, I was exhausted. So, these guidelines would tell me to Rest, and maybe Tone a bit to develop those connections a bit deeper. That might look like sending a thank you text or emailing an article about a topic we’ve previously discussed. This gave me a lot of hope that I wouldn’t feel exhausted forever during this networking process, and that it is normal to fluctuate between different stages.

I won’t be able to share all of the wisdom I gained from this book, but I found it very well worth my time, and I would recommend it to anyone. It was worth the read and made me reconsider where I am placing my priorities. It helped me recognize where I might struggle, and how to still tend to my social health needs in a way that feels right to me.

My fellow overachievers, consider your social health as a new area to exercise and more fully develop. My people-pleasers, consider the health of the relationships around you, and even if you can’t get out of the unhealthy ones, consider including more healthy relationships to support you. My neurodivergent/ADHD/autistic friends, this book allows you to digest this information in a way that feels easy to read, allows you to organize the purpose of different social interactions, and give you hope that you can connect with others in a way that feels right to you. If there is a deeper block that stops you from connecting with others, then working on your mental health with a therapist can help support you in your social health goals. Enjoy the read!