Childhood & Self-Ableism
Why You Hate Needing Help
A common theme I notice amongst the people that I help is that they hate “needing” help. They don’t want to burden anyone, they don’t want to have to depend on others, and they feel weak or less than when they need support. While we often think of ableism as prejudice applying to those that are disabled, this same attitude towards oneself can be rooted in ableism!
Take these large print word searches and crossword puzzles (found over at the Barnes & Noble off of Chandler Boulevard and the 101 freeway in Chandler if you were curious). Many people when looking at this section presume that it is only elderly people wanting these. As an adult in my 30’s with no obvious disabilities, if I were to purchase one, I’d likely get a question from a cashier about whether or not I was purchasing it for a grandparent. Simply choosing a book with a larger font signals to others that I cannot see very well and need accommodations. If I didn’t, why would I choose something out of the ordinary?
When we need help, we are sometimes uncomfortable, but much of the discomfort is having others notice that you need help and/or needing to ask for their assistance. We often can’t hide when we need something that others don’t, and that can be scary. It can be scary due to a number of factors, but consider these questions:
When did I first feel safer to be unseen than to be seen as needing more than others?
Where did I learn that requiring support was a burden on others?
Do I judge others on their ability to do something? If so, when did I start doing that? If not, why does that judgement only apply to me?
What experiences have I had where I needed help and others didn’t provide it?
How have I been treated when I have been vulnerable in the past?
Many of those questions bring up memories of childhood and our parents. I know, it is stereotypical for a therapist to tie everything back to one’s parents. However, as kids, we are at a pivotal point where we start learning about the world, about others, about ourselves, and we create meaning from it.
Sometimes, when we are that young, we don’t have a full understanding of the context behind what is happening, and thus draw inaccurate conclusions. While we understand more later, the emotional experience from the conclusions we drew earlier stay stuck until we notice that they are there. Sometimes, they stay stuck there even past that point, and that is where therapy helps a lot!
I applaud a lot of these clients I work with for even beginning to notice their own ableism towards themselves. First, it usually takes them admitting that they need help, and at least feeling brave enough to ask a professional for help. It is really painful to fully recognize the harm done to you in your past by others. Often even more so, it is awful to realize the ways that you have hurt yourself after that point, just trying to avoid feeling that original vulnerability and pain that you felt when you were hurt or left to struggle on your own.
Perhaps even you reading this is a step towards that journey. As you progress down that path, if you keep going, you will be pleased to realize that you don’t need to go about life alone. You don’t need to struggle and feel shame in needing help. You can honor yourself and your humanity, giving yourself a chance to connect deeper with others in your own vulnerability.
